My younger son, Wes, is now 28 days shy of his 15th birthday. His brother, Garth, turned 16 5 days ago.
I am pondering on what happened to the sweet Wesley. As an infant and toddler, he was a mom's baby. He loved to be cuddled, unlike Garth who strived to be physically independent and disliked being held or constrained. As a child, he was sweet natured and tender hearted.
When he was 5, he was in a small pre-school program in Tucson. We brought him a birthday cake for his classmates and held a party. When the party was over, the kids went outside to play. I remember Wes playing with a classmate who was in a wheelchair. He said he wanted to help him score points with the basketball by being his legs. He was empathic towards others less fortunate than himself. I was so proud of him that day.
When was in 1st and 2nd grades, he was in a deaf program at Sequoia where I taught for 3 years. He declared to me he wished to be deaf because deaf culture was so cool. He used to draw pictures for me and brought them to me after school - stuff like "I love you mom" or hearts. I loved getting them from him.
His first crush was a biracial deaf girl named Bianca Hamilton. He adored her from afar and never dared to ask her to be his girlfriend. Bianca was in Wes' class during their 2 years at Sequoia before Bianca moved to PDSD and Wes moved to Aguilar.
His first girlfriend was another deaf girl named Sophia Stone. It was quite a brief affair. They met at her parents' house where we celebrated July 4th when Wes was 8. Sophia just turned 9. Garth told me they kissed behind the swimming pool. Wes was excited and emailed Sophia several emails, but sadly, it was apparent for Sophia, Wes was just a novelty. She was not interested in continuing friendship with Wes. I came across a weeping Wes who stared at the computer screen. I bent over and read a nasty email from Sophia calling Wes names. Wes was so bewildered and heartbroken.
I was angry - it was so unnecessary on Sophia's part. I was angry Wes was so sad. I called Deb, Sophia's mother. I drove over to drop off a special bulb that Garth broke from an antique lamp that stood on the upstairs foyer. I asked to speak with Sophia and asked her if there was a better way to ask Wes to stop emailing her than saying all those nasty things she said to Wes. Of course Deb and Jeff played the charade of concerned parents but I think they perceived the incident to be a cute tween stuff. They didn't see how sad and heartbroken Wes was. I came to realize Sophia wasn't the nice girl I thought her to be.
After Sophia, Wes never had anything to do with deaf people anymore. Whenever we visited the Lundquists in Riverside, and even during the one year we lived in Riverside, Wes never wanted to spend time with SAM with whom he once was quite fond of.
Did deaf people change Wes? He is no longer the tender hearted and sweet boy. He is a sour, gloomy, disrespectful, self-absorbed, selfish, and demanding young man. He is not someone I like too much. He is no longer the tolerant person he used to be. He is no longer empathic towards others, especially me. He dislikes everything about me.
He hates the way I eat and chew gums and refuses to sit next to me and demands me to stop chewing gum. He demands me to do his laundry. He blows up when I ask him to do chores or clean up his room.
I've drifted away from him for quite a while now. I hardly go into his room anymore. I hardly talk to him. I stopped going to his football games. I've herded him towards Tom. He seems to relate to him better than he does me. I ask Tom what is up with Wes.
What happened to Wes? I think it is more than just a teenage hormonal thing. I don't see any of the old Wes at all now. It's just gone.
I want the sunny, happy, funny, tender hearted, empathic Wes who used to spend hours on his Legos and read books. He used to be such a ham. He was just a silly little boy. He used to sit at table with us and talk to us. He used to sit by me and watch a movie.
I know it is not good to dwell on the past and to just move forward. Wes is now a teenager and not the same person he once was. It just feels like a death to me. It feels like I've buried Wes and I have someone else in the house who looks like Wes. I feel like a grieving mother. I don't want to get to know this stranger occupying Wes' room. I feel we will never have a parent-child relationship again. Wes simply does not hear or see me. I am just someone who drives him around and does his laundry.
He forgot my birthday. Doesn't remember the date of my birthday. I got him Valentine's Day candy and he didn't even thank me. He never got me any Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day, or Valentine's Day card or gift. A few times, it was Tom who got me gifts "from them."
I just don't count in his life. I don't have any place in his life. No wonder I feel like there has been a death. Tom is always saying when Wes turns 18, he'd leave home and we'd not see him again. I think he spoke true.
